I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Randomize
