was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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