I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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