yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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