You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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