he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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