drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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