Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
