When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
