go do what you do best...puke behind churches
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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