I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
