I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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