I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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