Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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