so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
