How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
