You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
