nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
