you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
