Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
