so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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