He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Randomize
