It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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