Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
time to smoke my breakfast
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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