The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Randomize
