when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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