So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
