I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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