I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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