I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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