Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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