just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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