obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
