I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
