I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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