So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize