it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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