I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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