bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
