look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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