where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
