He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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