This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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