I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
