Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize