The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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