Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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