He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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