i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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