My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
