I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
