And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize