Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
