His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
