i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize