Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I forgot how hot balto sounded
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
