best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's blow job season.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
