i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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