Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
