It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
