I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
