I'd wear matching sweaters with you
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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