we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
