Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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